The White Paint on the Goalpost
One second before the final whistle, Lailai's cleats bit the turf, flinging mud that spattered the mottled white paint on the goalpost.
She remembered suddenly the taste of her first provincial match. Then she was a reserve goalkeeper, perched on a plastic chair, fingertips tracing the ridges of her kneepad again and again. The stands roared, but only the fresh white paint on the goalpost blazed in the sunlight, blinding—the coach had said: the post is the line. Guard it, and you guard half your life. She hadn't understood then what life meant. She knew only that after every training, she had to reach out and touch the cold upright. The white paint rubbed against her palm, fine, grainy, like some silent pact.
Later she became a striker.
When people asked why she shot so hard, with such reckless abandon, she never answered. She only remembered standing beside the post as goalkeeper, watching the balls fly in—each one hiding the shooter's solitary courage. Now that she was the one throwing that courage, she wanted every kick to be the last.
The night of the provincial final, rain fell in sheets. Her left foot struck, the ball smashed the inner side of the post, white paint showering down, mingling with rainwater into thin streams—yet the ball bounced into the net. The winning goal. At the ceremony she didn't take the trophy. She walked to the goal instead, reached out, and stroked the dented white paint. Her palm came away cold with wet paint chips, and she understood suddenly: the line, you guard it, you breach it, only then you know—it is no boundary, but a facing of self to self.
This was her last match for the school team.
The final whistle blew. Teammates surrounded her, embracing. But she walked to the goal again, fingertips brushing lightly over the white paint. This time, no chips clung to her palm. Only a warm, smooth sensation remained.
The wind rose again, tangling her short hair.
She turned to look at her teammates, at the blurred lights in the stands. She remembered suddenly: eighteen years old, standing here for the first time as starting goalkeeper. The opposing forward broke through alone. She abandoned her post, rushed out, blocked the ball with her face on the penalty line. Blood streamed onto the grass. Lying there, she heard the stadium fall silent, then erupt. So guarding the line, she had thought, means trading your life for it.
Later she injured her knee. The doctor said: no more goalkeeping. She lay in her dormitory three days. On the fourth she rose and told the coach: I want to play forward.
The coach looked at her a long time. Said: A forward's line is scoring.
She said: I know.
First season, three goals. All garbage-time substitutes, all meaningless consolations. But she remembered each: the first, a poach, goalkeeper's fumble, she poked it in; the second, a header, she jumped with eyes closed, the ball struck the back of her skull and bounced in; the third, a penalty, standing at twelve yards, staring at the white spot, suddenly remembering the white paint on the post.
She scored.
Later she scored many goals. People called her a genius. She smiled. Only she knew: with every shot, she murmured inward—this is the last. The last kick, the last run, the last time hearing the ball hit the net beside the post.
Now truly the last.
She withdrew her hand from the post, looked down at her palm. Nothing. And yet everything remained.
She remembered those who played with her through the years. Some went professional, some abroad to study, some married and had children, some she never saw again. The pitch was still the pitch, the posts still those two posts—only the white paint was brushed on again and again, hiding the carved names, the dates, the years beneath, invisible to all.
A teammate called: Lailai, group photo!
She answered, ran over.
The shutter clicked. She glanced back suddenly at the goalpost. Sunset fell on the white paint, blazing, blinding—just like years ago.
She smiled.
The wind rose again.